The Only Intelligent Decision
by 1957
Summary: In which everyone pummels Gokudera verbally. YamaGoku.


**A/N:** This is a very odd, short work inspired by reading too many Tao Lin short stories and with the desperate need to infuse this fandom with some awkwardness, especially awkward 'your mom' and 'that's what she said' jokes.

**Disclaimer:** Katekyo Hitman Reborn does not belong to me.

.

Gokudera has been eating oven-ready frozen pizza everyday for the past three weeks. He buys them--two for only one thousand yen--in bulk from the grocery store, unwraps them, shoves them into the oven, waits for twenty minutes, cuts them into fourths, and eats a quarter of a pizza--holding the slice like a slice watermelon--while watching sumo wrestling re-runs on T.V. One pizza lasts Gokudera two days; three and a half pizzas will feed Gokudera for an entire week--if he doesn't eat breakfast, that is, and he doesn't; he's too busy for breakfast. Gokudera sometimes feels sorry for himself, because he eats so much frozen pizza; Yamamoto _always_ feels sorry for Gokudera, because Yamamoto _never_ eats frozen pizza.

Yamamoto will go over to Gokudera's house and try to cook for Gokudera. He cooked delicious meals for Gokudera at first: delicate sushi and sashimi with a side of miso soup; authentic Scezchuan stir-fry with mala fish soup; Caribbean curries with yellowed yams and Basmati rice; spaghetti with thick meat sauce, Parmesan cheese, and garlic bread; French soufflés; English meat pies... But the more Yamamoto cooked, the more Gokudera wanted to eat frozen pizza. It is not because Gokudera doesn't like the things Yamamoto cooked; Gokudera just doesn't like the principle behind why Yamamoto cooked what he cooked--Yamamoto feels sorry Gokudera cannot, at the age of twenty-one, take care of himself. And that is unacceptable.

Eventually Yamamoto stopped trying to make normal, edible food for Gokudera; he began using Gokudera's kitchen for culinary experiments instead. Gokudera's kitchen always smells disgusting; there is always something not quite dead in his refrigerator. Gokudera keeps eating his frozen pizza and watching sumo re-runs on T.V. He does not really understand the rules of sumo, but he watches it anyway to spite Yamamoto who always wants to watch baseball.

"Why do you hang out here anyway?" says Gokudera one day. It is a question that confounds him; he knows Yamamoto owns a kitchen. He wonders if there is something special about his kitchen.

"Because," says Yamamoto.

"That is not an answer," says Gokudera. "That is a conjunction, but it is not an answer."

"I like spending time with you," says Yamamoto. He is standing behind the couch where Gokudera is sitting and eating pizza and watching sumo T.V. His hands are rooted on the back of the couch. He is leaning on the couch and making the couch squeak; the sound annoys Gokudera so Gokudera smacks Yamamoto.

"That is...unacceptable," says Gokudera.

Yamamoto looks hurt; maybe even horrified.

"...As an answer," elaborates Gokudera.

"But it's true," says Yamamto.

"That's gay," says Gokudera. "Are you gay?" He cranes his neck to look at Yamamoto.

"No," says Yamamoto, as a matter of reflex. "I mean. Sometimes. Are you?"

"That's...inappropriate," says Gokudera. He bites into his pizza.

"Is it because you're Catholic?" says Yamamoto.

"...As a question," elaborates Gokudera.

"Why?" says Yamamoto.

"Because," says Gokudera--but he catches the glimmer in Yamamoto's eye that suggests a witty comeback so he adds, "then we'd be two gay guys hanging out and watching sumo or a gay guy hanging out with a straight guy and watching sumo or a gay guy and a bi guy hanging out and watching sumo or a straight guy and a bi guy hanging out and watching sumo or two bi guys hanging out and watching sumo." He strains to rule out all hints of his sexuality so he can retain a sense of superiority. He pauses for a breath. "And that would be awkward."

"That was awkward," says Yamamoto. "Maybe we're just two guys hanging out and watching sumo; is that awkward?"

"Yes," says Gokudera. "That's why I asked why the fuck you were hanging out here."

"Oh," says Yamamoto. He looks awkward. "Now I'm awkward."

"I'm sorry," says Gokudera. He doesn't say it in a cruel way; he says it in a very diplomatic way. Yamamoto still looks desolate so Gokudera says, "I like men." He hopes he is saying it as a consolation prize, but then he realizes straight men don't tell gay men they are gay as consolation prizes.

"Are you dating Tsuna?" says Yamamoto; the question is so quick, so rapid fire, that Gokudera knows it had to have been premeditated. The knowledge that Yamamoto premeditates asking him questions about his sex life breaks Gokudera's brain.

"Um," says Gokudera.

"Are you okay?" says Yamamoto.

"No," says Gokudera.

"Oh," says Yamamoto. "Was that an awkward question?"

"Yes," says Gokudera.

"Oh," says Yamamoto.

"Tsuna likes pussy," says Gokudera--his tongue moving so fast, the words bleed together. Yamamoto frowns; Gokudera panics over why Yamamoto is frowning; he panics over why they are having this conversation.

"Did you have to say 'pussy'?" says Yamamoto. "The word 'pussy' doesn't sound right with 'Tsuna.'"

"Would you prefer 'cunt'?" says Gokudera.

"Maybe," says Yamamoto.

"Tsuna prefers cunts over cocks," says Gokudera.

"Oh," says Yamamoto. "That's good then." He frowns. "Ryohei said you were dating Tsuna."

"Ryohei needs to suck his own dick."

"Your _mom_ needs to suck her own dick," says Yamamoto.

Gokudera laughs but he stops himself later. Yamamoto is being funny; the problem is, Yamamoto is not funny. Yamamoto is sometimes gay. Gokudera wonders which days and hours Yamamoto is gay during--is it full time or part time? is it a strictly nine to five ordeal? Gokudera checks his wristwatch. He panics.

"When are you open to be gay?" says Gokudera. He realizes it sounds like he is asking Yamamoto when his legs will be open for business. He realizes that is the opposite of what he wants to sound like. He panics more. Gokudera stops eating pizza. It is dangerous to eat pizza when panicking.

"Um," says Yamamoto. "Right now, if you want."

Gokudera stands up quickly, but he forgets here is a pizza on a plate on his lap and the pizza falls onto the carpet. Nonetheless, he says, "Why would I want you to be gay right now?" He watches the grease seep into the carpet, followed by the watery tomato sauce. Gokudera wonders why he never considered ordering from the Chinese place down the street; he wonders what he would order. He wonders why he is wondering about all of these strange things.

"Because you're gay?" says Yamamoto.

"That is...irrelevant," says Gokudera.

"No it's not," says Yamamoto. Gokudera hates it when Yamamoto is right, especially during philosopho-sexual discussions concerning existential crises of the homosexual kind; Gokudera usually expects Yamamoto to drool and play baseball and go on killing rampages and come over to his house to watch sumo re-runs on T.V. Gokudera does not expect Yamamoto to think. The fact that Yamamoto is thinking makes Gokudera feel competitive and insecure.

"There is a slice of pizza on my carpet," says Gokudera. "Fuck."

"I'll get some carpet cleaner," says Yamamoto. He goes into the kitchen and gets the carpet cleaner, but Gokudera is not in the living room when he returns.

.

Gokudera walks to Nanimori Middle School. He does not know why he has walked to Nanimori Middle School, but he thinks it is because he thought he had gotten all of the answers about life in middle school. Middle school had told him to join the mafia, and Gokudera had thought that was the answer to everything. Gokudera does not think Nanimori Middle School has given him the right answer anymore; he thinks it has given him the wrong answer. He feels angry and a little gullible--how could he think the mafia was the answer to life? Gokudera stands outside Nanimori Middle School and demands the right answer. He also demands another slice of pizza. And new carpeting.

"I don't want to be gay," says Gokudera. He demands for Nanimori Middle School to make him straight.

"No one can make you straight," says Hibari. Hibari has snuck up on Gokudera; Hibari is very good at sneaking up on people because he enjoys catching people when they are vulnerable. No one thinks that is very nice so Hibari has no friends. Gokudera wonders if Hibari cries at night because he has no friends; but the idea of Hibari crying breaks his brain.

"Um," says Gokudera. Hibari doesn't say anything else. The silence disturbs Gokudera. He says the first thing that comes to mind. "I think it's weird that you are over twenty-years-old and still hang around your old middle school. It's...inappropriate." He pauses and thinks; wonders--he hates wondering; why does he wonder so much? why is thinking so important? "And awkward." He adds--finally and definitely.

"You're awkward," says Hibari. "You're so awkward that you joined the mafia so you would feel less awkward."

"But I don't think the mafia has made me less awkward," says Gokudera. "I think joining the mafia was the wrong answer to my awkwardness. Now I am just an awkward person with a lot of power and time to watch sumo re-runs with Yamamoto on T.V." He frowns. "And that has gotten very awkward recently."

"And your mom's awkward too," says Hibari; he hadn't finished pummeling Gokudera verbally yet. Then Hibari kicks Gokudera in the ribs and pummels him physically.

.

Gokudera wakes up on the sidewalk next to his old middle school. His nose and mouth are bleeding. He wipes them with the back of his hand; he wipes the back of his hand on the thigh of his pants. His phone is ringing--or rather singing, because Kyoko and Haru have programmed his phone to play Morning Musume songs. Gokudera is known as the 'mafioso with the fruity ringtones.' It bothers him because wise men and secret agents never have fruity ringtones--he notices this when he watches James Bond movies. But Gokudera cannot change his ringtone into something suave and understated. Kyoko and Haru have set his entire cellphone to Spanish; Gokudera cannot read Spanish.

Tsuna is calling Gokudera. "Please come to headquarters as soon as you can," says Tsuna.

Gokudera sprints to headquarters. He bursts into the room and says, "I came as quickly as I could."

"That's what she said," says Tsuna.

Gokudera is amazed by Tsuna's humor and virility; he wants to make 'that's what she said,' jokes too. It occurs to Gokudera 'that's what she said' jokes are very heterosexual jokes; suddenly he feels inadequate, because he is not heterosexual--he cannot make 'that's what she said' jokes.

"These finance reports are dismal," says Reborn. "We are losing money; we're being squeezed out by the competition."

"We should put more prostitutes out on the street," says Lambo. "That will help our income."

"We can recruit more small children to help sell narcotics," says Gokudera. Gokudera is in charge of the narcotics department. Many people are confused by this; many people had expected Gokudera to join the cleaning department. 'You look like someone who would clean up after someone else's fuck-up,' one secretary had said . Gokudera had said nothing; he had walked out of the office and checked his face in the window of a woman's lingerie shop. Gokudera had admitted he did look like someone who would clean up after someone else's fuck-up. But Gokudera hadn't joined the cleaning department because he had known a brick of cocaine would be easier to hide than a dead body. It had come down to the statistics.

"That is a stupid idea," says Reborn. "That means nothing."

"That's what she said," says Gokudera.

"Um," says Tsuna.

"That was the most depressing 'that's what she said' joke I have ever heard," says Reborn.

"I'm sorry," says Gokudera.

"You're a fuck-up," says Reborn. He turns to Yamamoto. "Yamamoto, clean up this fuck-up."

.

On fuck-ups:

Yamamoto is the head of the cleaning department; he cleans up everyone's fuck-ups and sometimes--usually--fuck-ups are people. Gokudera thinks "fuck-ups are people too" would make for a catchy song title. Yamamoto had decided to join the cleaning branch because he had decided he didn't really have a brain--or, at least Gokudera had told him he didn't--and thus didn't really have a conscience. At first Yamamoto had thought the conscience came from the heart, but then Reborn had given him a list detailing which social constructs came from the heart--love, sadness, hatred, etc.--and which from the brain--consciences, souls, and problem-solving skills. Yamamoto had asked why problem-solving skills were considered social constructs; Reborn had told him problem-solving was an illusion created to make people believe there are fewer problems after problem-solving than before problem-solving. 'That,' Reborn had said, 'is simply untrue. Problems create themselves as quickly as we delude ourselves into thinking we have solved them.'

'That is true,' Yamamoto had said. Then he had chuckled in a way that suggested he had accepted his own impending doom. 'It doesn't make sense--'

'Rationality is also a social construct,' Reborn had said.

'--Then I guess it is all true; I guess I cannot possibly be in the possession of a conscience--or the social construction of one.'

'But then,' Gokudera had said, 'there would be no order anywhere. This world would become order-less. This world would become a giant headache.'

'We are hoodlums,' Reborn had said. 'We don't give a fuck about order.' Then he had paused and stared at Gokudera, squinting. 'You're a fuck-up.'

.

So Yamamoto had joined the cleaning department for no particular reason, believing it was the only intelligent decision.

"I don't want to clean Gokudera up," says Yamamoto. "I've already cleaned up his carpet. I don't think this is fair. I don't think very many things are fair. I think fairness is a social construct."

Yamamoto stares at Gokudera with empty ghost eyes for a long time; Yamamoto stares at Gokudera long enough that Gokudera knows, maybe even feels, Yamamoto is disappointed in him. Gokudera has an inkling of what Yamamoto might be disappointed with, but he runs through a list of other disappointments first just in case. Gokudera looks at his clothes--they are torn and bloody--maybe Yamamoto is disappointed in his failure to follow the dress code? or maybe Yamamoto is disappointed in his failure to make adequate 'that's what she said' jokes? or maybe Yamamoto is disappointed Gokudera hadn't helped him clean up the pizza? or maybe because Gokudera hadn't let Yamamoto watch baseball on T.V.?

These are all viable possibilities.

"I'm sorry," says Gokudera, but he decides he doesn't want to apologize after all, "that fairness is a social construct."

"You're a shithead," says Yamamoto.

"I'm pretty sure that's false," says Gokudera.

"I'm pretty sure you're false," says Yamamoto.

"I'm pretty sure I'm...true," says Gokudera. "And awkward."

Yamamoto stares at Gokudera again; he feels like he is always staring at Gokudera for some reason or other. He feels like it is not fair to other people; he feels like they don't feel it is fair that Gokudera holds his stare for no particular reason all the time. Suddenly Yamamoto notices nothing has any particular reason. He feels angry, and a little gullible. He feels like a hoodlum. Resentment curls from his skin like smoke curling from a cigarette; it wavers over his hairline where everyone can see it. Gokudera lights a cigarette. Yamamoto punches him in the face; Yamamoto burns his hand while punching Gokudera in the face. He swears about burning his hand. Gokudera swears about getting punched; he falls to the floor. Then Yamamoto leaves the room and slams the door.

"That was a depressing finance meeting," says Tsuna. "Now I feel depressed."

"Me too," says Lambo.

"I don't have feelings," says Reborn. "Or a soul. I don't feel depressed."

They watch Gokudera pick himself up from the floor, then leave to find a way to solve their financial problems.

.

Gokudera walks back to his house; he is not surprised to find Yamamoto sitting in front of the television watching sumo re-runs on T.V. with the lights off. He does not know why he is not surprised. He cannot think of a particular reason for why he is not surprised. Gokudera realizes he doesn't have many particular reasons anymore. He sits down next to Yamamoto. The television casts blue squares over both of their faces. The sound of sumo wrestlers grappling fills the room.

"I'm not a shithead," says Gokudera.

Yamamoto doesn't say anything.

"Aren't you going to argue with me about whether or not I am a shithead?" says Gokudera.

"I don't need to argue about it," says Yamamoto. "People don't need to argue over true things. We never argue over whether or not the Earth is round. That is because the Earth is round and everyone knows it--except for shitheads."

"That's what she said," says Gokudera.

"No it's not," says Yamamoto. "She's never said anything like that--"

"It's a joke," says Gokudera.

"--Because you have no women in your life," says Yamamoto; he hadn't finished pummeling Gokudera verbally yet.

A gaping silence hangs in the air.

"Are you gay right now?" says Gokudera.

"Yes," says Yamamoto. "Very. For no particular reason." He looks at Gokudera. "At least, I don't see one."

"Oh," says Gokudera. "Maybe it's because I'm gay?"

Another gaping silence--this time a gape that is so large that it might have been a yawn.

"Maybe," says Yamamoto.

They both shift in their seats and watch fat men push each other around for a couple of minutes. Gokudera watches one sumo wrestler's hand sink into the other sumo wrestler's fat, like a hand sinking into a hunk of dough or an aeronautic pillow.

"What do we do then?" says Gokudera. "What is the only intelligent decision?"

Yamamoto shrugs. They watch T.V. for a little while longer. Then-- suddenly, unexpectedly, maybe even a little fearsomely--Yamamoto pounces on Gokudera and presses their mouths together. It is a hard kiss. It is a clumsy kiss. Yamamoto lays on Gokudera's chest, pinning Gokudera's arms to either side of Gokudera's head, and kisses Gokudera all in one breath, with no breaks or tenderness or mercy. It is an awkward kiss. Elbows are splaying. Teeth are clattering. Joints are creaking. And noses are colliding. It is so awkward that both Yamamoto and Gokudera decide the only intelligent decision is to stop.

"That was awkward," says Gokudera. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"That's what she said," says Yamamoto. He grins; his teeth seem to glow in the half-dark of the room.

"That better not be what she said," says Gokudera.

"Why?" says Yamamoto.

"Because that's what _I_ said."


End file.
